Review
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Title: No Going Back
Author: Jonathan Langford
Publisher: Zarahemla Books
Genre: Fiction
Year Published: 2009
Number of Pages: 302
Binding: Paper
ISBN10: n/a
ISBN13: 978-0-9787971-9-5
Price: $16.95

Reviewed by Richard Packham

Those of us who are 100% heterosexual and who have no close family members who are gay, often have difficulty in understanding — let alone sympathizing with — the agony of rejection and self-doubt that homosexual people suffer, especially if they are deeply immersed in Mormon culture. In this novel, the author gives us a glimpse into the life of a Mormon high-school student who struggles to deal with his homosexuality, his faith, and his relationships with friends and family as he "comes out."

The LDS church has gone through a lengthy and gradual process of change in its attitude toward homosexuality. D. Michael Quinn, among others, has chronicled much of it. Until the first half of the twentieth century it seemed to be no big deal that one had "special friends" of the same sex. Long-time Tabernacle Choir director Evan Stephens retained his position of respect in the Church until his death in 1930 in spite of his well-known intimate relationships with his many boys. But Church patriarch Joseph Fielding Smith was quietly exiled to Hawaii when it was learned in the 1940s that he was homosexual.

The intense program of "aversion therapy" that was conducted on the campus of Brigham Young University in the 1970s has been disavowed, and gradually the Church seems to be moving more toward an attitude that some homosexuality (or "same-sex attraction," as it is now referred to by LDS leaders) may well be inborn, and not just a conscious choice.

Fortunately for Paul, the protagonist in Langford's novel, he is growing up in the kinder Church of the 21st century, and in an area of the country (Pacific northwest) that is relatively more tolerant of homosexuals. But queer-haters and fag-baiters will be found anywhere, especially on a high school campus. And Paul is not spared his share of that.

As I began to read this story, I anticipated that the end would be a tragic suicide or a gory beating-to-death by homophobic peers. No, we follow Paul's gradual coming out, first to his best friend (the hetero son of Paul's bishop), to his mother (a divorced single parent), to his bishop, until his inadvertent "outing" at the high school and at his ward. The bishop, as Langford portrays him, is the kind of compassionate spiritual leader that one would hope every young gay Mormon might find. Although he emphasizes that Paul must not violate Church standards by acting on his sexual desires, the bishop reminds him again and again of God's love for him, of how he can look forward to relief from his struggles in the next life, and of how to gain strength to resist present temptation.

But we also see the pain that Paul suffers, from his father's blunt refusal to allow him to visit during his summer vacation because he might be a "bad influence" on his younger half-brother and half-sister whom he dearly loves, to the inevitable rejection of his application for his Eagle Scout badge because he is considered in violation of the Scout standard to be "morally straight."

The author makes excellent use of interior monologue, putting the thoughts of the characters in italics. His depiction of some of the light banter often comes across as somewhat artificial. But when it comes to arguments, the talk rings true, as when the frustrated wife of the bishop confronts her husband with his neglect of his family (a conversation which is probably a part of every Mormon bishop's experience), or when Paul defends his Mormon faith against the harsh criticism from his friends at the high school Gay-Straight Alliance.

LDS readers who want to know more about what life is like for a young Mormon homosexual, or who want insight into how to deal with a young Mormon with same-sex attractions, should read this novel. Non-Mormon readers will probably find it puzzling, and, unless they are hard-core fundamentalist Christians, wonder why the LDS Church has not "loosened up" even more, to give full acceptance to all, regardless of sexual orientation. Those readers will also undoubtedly stumble over the unfamiliar Mormon terms ("seminary," "insititute," "primary," "young men's"), for which a glossary might have helped. I suspect that the publisher realizes that its audience is largely LDS readers who are quite at home with Mormon-speak.

As the novel ends we are left wondering, though. What will Paul's fate be? Will he try to stay in the closet in his new ward in Utah, where he and his mother have fled? Will he attempt to marry a woman and have children, as many Mormon gay men have done, usually with unhappiness as the result for both spouses? Will he decide that his church is robbing him of his sexuality (as one elderly gay ex-Mormon put it recently), and abandon his faith?

Perhaps we can hope for a sequel.